Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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