My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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