I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
