dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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