This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
