So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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