I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
