You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
