Soap is not a condiment
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
