No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
