My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
