I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize