But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
