im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize