dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
