I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
