Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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