in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
