Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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