Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize