found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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