Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
