Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
