The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
