We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
