Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
