she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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