she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
