Umm I'm too high to move.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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