he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
