just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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