She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
