i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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