Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
