Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
