the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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