i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
