we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
