I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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