When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
