my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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