Sponge bath it is.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
