I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
