I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
