my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
