I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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