I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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