I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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