Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
