I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
