please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
