I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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