Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
