my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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