...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
