The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
