I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
