It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
