I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Quick, to the slutcave!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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