my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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