How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
