I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
